Pass The Test

Life will give you only the experiences necessary for your evolution. Is suffering necessary? Yes and No. If you had not suffered as you have, there would be no depth to you, no humility, no compassion. Eckhart Tolle
My friend and I were discussing the necessary evil of life suffering. Why do we go through all the negative experiences that we do? Why must we experience life's pain?  That's when I remembered Tolle's quote. 
She's going through a very hard time. Family issues that are threatening their family life. Having been to hell and back due to my alcohol addiction, I am very sympathetic to people undergoing personal strife. 
At the moment I was in it, I couldn't see the lessons in it. I was blind to the proverbial silver lining. I have been sober now approaching one year. I relapsed twice prior to this. I have no animosity toward the time that I spent in the grip of my addiction and it's ill fated consequences. 

“Right in the difficult we must have our joys,

 our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth

 of this background, they stand out, 

there for the first time we see 

how beautiful they are.”Rainer Maria Rilke

I now look back and see the lessons in all my life events - positive or negative. With this in mind I welcome life AS IS with an open heart and a ready to learn attitude. I want to grow from my life experiences not advance into regression. I crave humility, depth, compassion. Hard times teach us patience, love, fortitude, courage, resilience, grit, flexibility, toughness, buoyancy. Hard times teach us who we really are. Hard times, if we allow, curve an angel out of a block of stone.
It is during the good times that we must gather light because the dark times are inevitable. Into the darkness we must carry this light to illuminate our way, until life resumes a positive note.Difficult times just might be necessary, inasmuch as they don't have to leave us broken. They can leave us renewed, promoted, increased, remodeled, restored, better than we were going in. Pass the test!

 “I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us.”
― Anne Lamott

Commuting Between Languages

No one gets angry at a mathematician or a physicist

whom he or she doesn't understand,

or at someone who speaks a foreign language,

but rather at someone who tampers

with your own language. Jacques Derrida

Elif Shafak is a Turkish writer whom I was watching on Ted Talks. She summarized so well the conundrum of the multi linguist. Like me she's not an immigrant, refugee or exile. She talks about a commute between languages when she's writing and how that gap gets her  frustrated. However, this frustration gets her creativity going when she's writing. English is an acquired language for me and millions of others. She says, "When you are a latecomer to a language, what happens is you live there with a continuous and perpetual frustration. As latecomers we always want to say more, to say better things, crack better jokes, but we end up saying less. Because there is a gap between the mind and the tongue, and that gap is very intimidating. But if you manage not to be frightened by it, it's also stimulating."

 I wholeheartedly agree with her. I love everything about my third language English. I love how it sounds, how difficult it is, how varied, how so many words can represent the same thing. I love that I understand it so well and other foreigners have such a hard time with it. I enjoy very much the edge that I have over even native speakers or people who speak English as their only language. I am not frightened by the gap Elif talks of. Thanks to English being most Kenyan's third language.


Even with that grand statement that I just made, I have to confess that I think very carefully about what it is am saying. In the back of my mind English will always be an acquired language. I am careful to phrase sentences right, be grammatically correct. I do not want to offend the English language or the native English speaker at all. I feel like I've been trusted to know and speak this language well and I will not abuse my privilege. I take it so personal when native speakers speak English with absolutely no regard to the rules. I mean, how much effort does it take? I have to think in one or two different languages then translate, then string the words correctly before offering them to the listener. I do not like my words being out of place. I feel as if I've failed somehow, if I do. 

“Those who know nothing of

foreign languages know

nothing of their own.”       

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

That gap, that lag time, Elif talks about, that is where my creativity lays. That's where I sort out words and pick what I think are the best ones before I speak them. That gap is my play area and the best part is that it's all mine and cannot be dictated by anyone. So if you listen to a foreigner with a good command of English speaking and you wonder, "Why are they being so deliberate, not rushed when they speak?" It's because they are taking great care to offer the choicest words, to present the best so to speak. Not because they're bragging but there is a certain reverence for a foreign language once you've almost mastered it.
I am currently trying to learn Spanish as my fourth language. Boy, Oh Boy, is it kicking my butt! When I read it, am fluent. When asked a question however, I stammer and hesitate and get tongue tied. I so desperately want to be grammatically correct, I also want to sound as if Spanish and I are friends. I want to sound comfortable, not scared of it. So I do understand that gap she's talking about. When you are a late comer to a language or to anything really, you have to pay your dues. I have to keep reminding myself to be humble and patient and wait. 
Soon enough I will have a great command of Spanish as I do English.... but soon is no where around the corner.... and that's frustrating!
You know another thing speaking different languages does? You are able to move in and out of identities. As many identities as the languages you speak. So in one moment I can be an African, speaking Kikuyu and Swahili, then I commute on over to English where I can bring on my British identity or American...whichever I choose. Now that am speaking Spanish, I feel (not I am) very Latina. It's a thrilling ride and am sure my brain will thank me later, God willing, when am 90 years old and still have all my faculties. 

Seize the diem!!!

Empezando Tu Día Bien

What if we treated each day as a completely new day? As if we were re-born through the night and in the morning... we have a brand new chance to get it right.
Suppose you got to hit the reset button before you jumped out of bed? Maybe you could forget that insult from yesterday, that hurting from last year, that huge blunder you made last week, what you failed to do last night, blah, blah, blah. All that junk that goes around and around in our heads at a whirlwind pace if we're wound up or a sluggish, heavy, muddy mess when we're feeling blue.
Aah! Maybe we could do the same for each other. Forget what the other did, didn't do, say, didn't say. What does it matter TODAY? We should be like our pets who see the joy in every new day, every new moment.
Even the ancient Egyptians saw a new day as a sort of re-birth. Sunrise brought a completely novel day. I believe sunrise should bring me a new and fresh me. It should bring me a new start, a clean slate. Louise Hay said, "How you start your day is how you're going to live your day. And how you live your day is the way you live your life."

Waking up this morning, I smile,      
Twenty four brand new hours are before me.     
I vow to live fully in each moment     
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.   

Thich Nhat Hanh

Why People Hurt Us

Here's how to stop them!

Existential Quandary

“The enemy is within the gates;
 it is with our own luxury,
our own folly, our own criminality
 that we have to contend.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

I hate to be a Debby downer, but I read in my economics book that the world produces more than enough food to go around. Somehow, in America people are dying of obesity - consumption of too much food. Contrastingly, in Sub-Saharan Africa and a few other countries in different continents, people are dying of starvation.

What in the world is going on?

Does anyone care? 

I know there are all these attempts to give Africans aid. The trouble lies in the politics associated with that food. Acceptance of said food is tied in to forcibly agreeing to do things the Africans wouldn't normally do or want to do. For example, convert to a certain religion or vote for a particular dictator in order to receive relief.
What about the children? My God, have you looked away from us? It breaks my heart. The evilness of man has trumped the goodness proffered.
It's so easy of me and a bit cowardly, to point fingers from the  comfort and safe distance of my American home. Should I leave my little piece of Heaven in Amelia Island and go on long uncomfortable journeys to places that could use some assistance? Can I possibly live in extreme climates, no heat or AC in the name of helping out my fellow humans? Or can I just send money to different organizations through my computer, from my cushy couch and call that helping?

those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another--plant, animal, river, or human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.
 those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.
 those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differences.
― Alice Walker

That's why I have decided to join the effort in my own little way. I will complete school pronto! and join Peace Corp. Learn how this helping others on a global scale functions. All while travelling the earth. My two dear passions. Eventually I'd like to join the efforts of a micro-lending organization.

I wonder what everyone else is doing?

“The world is only as fair as you can make it. Takes a lot of fight. A lot of fight. But if you stay in here, in your little cave, that's one less fighter on the side of fair.”  ― Libba Bray, Beauty Queens


Are we paying attention?

Wounds And Scars

“Contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. Yes, it does mark us. What we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”  Bell Hooks

I was thinking the other day about wounds and scars. How wounds can run deep but scars don't. I think the way our wounds heal should be a testament to how we should live our life. A scar is a sign that you were once wounded deeply, hopefully learnt your lesson and have moved on.

"When your heart speaks, take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

"When your heart speaks,
take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

Can you imagine if we lived a life where our wounds never healed? We would be stinking, rotting messes. This is how I believe some people are in their hearts and in their souls. They are a mess of wounds that have never healed. Everything they say is laden with hate,  jealousies, mistrust, irritation, old pain, unattended hurts, what ifs, if onlys, what used to be.....

But, maybe we don't like some of these wounds to heal. So the minute they threaten to close up, we poke and prod at them so they can remain inflamed. Is it a comfort thing? Preserving what's familiar? I don't know. We even put up a barrier around the wound sometimes. If a loved one who has had a similar injury shows concern and tries to heal us, we'll tell them to back off! Right? Regardless of the other party's expertise on the same type of lesion.

“When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch  your own heart, how do you expect  to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

“When you stop putting yourself
on the line, and you don't touch
 your own heart, how do you expect
 to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

I remember when I was going through separation, divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure, car repossession....  I was wound up so tight, I would not let anybody near my hurt. Emily Dickinson said, "a wounded deer leaps the highest." Boy, did I leap every time someone came close to me! I falsely believed that I was the only one who had ever hurt like I was hurting. No one knew my pain, I kept saying, no one! So I stayed in victim mode.   There's something so seductive about being a victim. I think it's all the attention you get from people. The way your friends treat you ever so gingerly, like fine china, as if you're bound to explode into little fragments at any given time.

It took a great, wise friend to finally see through my smokescreen. She wrecked the defense I had built around my suffering. She got tired of my moping and went right to the heart of my wound. She said, "Get over it sweetie. Build a bridge and get over it. You're not the first or the last woman that will ever get divorced. It happens to millions of women world wide. Pick yourself up and move on. Am here for you."

 Wow! Tough Love.

If that wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. She was right, of course. And if it weren't for her timely advice, I would probably still be a bitter, brooding mess. As for that wound, I can hardly see the scar... it's that tiny. There's a dull ache sometimes, where it used to be, but other than that, it's a done deal.

What are your wounds? Examine what has been needing healing. What's the wound you're allowing to fester and worsen. Don't kid yourself, people see it, people smell it. It is the nature of wounds. Penning it off into a corner of your heart, slapping a flimsy band aid on it, only serves to keep it open and more sore, not healed. Consequently, you always have to be on guard, in case someone touches it.  The watch is on 24-7 when it  comes to this particular wound/s. Find out how to heal it! Get a professional, a specialist on your particular wound.
Everything leaves a mark. The world needs more scars and less wounds. A scar is something you fondle lovingly, as you remember the lessons contained. It's a part of you; it's like a map to your life story. I read somewhere, "A scar means the hurting is over and the wound is healed." I know this in my heart: a wound is a reminder that, everyday, you are dying. While a scar is a reminder that everyday, you are living.

“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” ~Tori Amos

The Rest Is Gravy

It's so easy to be ungrateful. Sometimes it seems as if I have an eye only for what's going wrong in my life more than what's going right. Possibly it's because I am wired for problem solving. I read that somewhere, as women we are always looking to problem solve. To smooth and iron things out. So, by default our concentration goes to what's going wrong so we can fix it. Then of course, when we do succeed, we go hunting for more problems to repair. Next thing we know, we're depressed because hunting for problems unearths a whole host of them, bucket-fulls actually. The finding problems versus repairing them doesn't balance out and we end up with a shortfall in the "what's good" column.


Appreciate what you DO have.
So, if you receive anything
else, it will be
an extra.

So, there goes being happy, ever, right? Wrong. There's nothing wrong with problem solving. Where I go wrong is obsessing about an issue even when it is irreparable. Where I go wrong is casting my eye too long in the "what's wrong" column of my life.
The other day, Sunshine and I were having a discussion about  the  Problem People in our life. We decided it would be better to lower our expectations of these negative folks in our lives. Such that if they do finally come around then it would be a bonus for us. It would be like getting gravy over a meal that doesn't really require any. The gravy is a welcome extra.

Going further, we decided to extend this same courtesy to other areas in our life; by appreciating everything that is already in our life without wishing and wanting for "stuff" that we don't need. Eventually, if what we wanted (read: don't need) comes along, then it's gravy.
Looking at each of our lives we figured out we've got: gainful employment, loving and close family members, tranquil homes, peaceful minds, we're not going hungry, neither are we short of gas money to drive to work. So, as it were, we're really happy and obsessing about the bantam things that are going wrong is only driving us crazy for no good reason.

Examine your own life. Are you reading this article, undisturbed, on your latest electronic gadget, or your personal computer or I-phone? Are you starving? Do you lack school fees for you or your kids? Do you have clothes to wear? Do you have a stable job? Do you have a steady address, a dependable car? Do you have loving family members who hug your neck with genuine Love from time to time? Do you have good friends that call you up just to check on you and tell you they love you? Are you a picture of health? What more do you need? The rest.... is just gravy, baby!

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

~Seneca

Button Pushers: Are You Hooked?

Button Pushers are the worst! Everyone of us has that one person that knows exactly what to say and when to drive us crazy. Button pushers seem to catch us at the wrong time, always. They hook us, like fish, when we're not guarding our reactions. They produce in us every negative feeling, one of them being rage. They know, to the detail, what part of our personality to attack. And if you let them, button pushers will whip you into submission. Simply put, they will, if you let them, have you on your knees, broken and dejected, feeling sorry for yourself. Suddenly you feel like a fish...totally hooked, resigned to the fact and being reeled in.
Their Modus Operandi is bullying, sarcasm, mocking and derision, monopolizing dialogues, having the only "right" opinion. Worst of all, they're Sulkers. I detest sulkers. Why do they always assume you need them to talk to you? It never crosses their mind that they're doing us a huge favor by being silent. Button pushers have a way of using silence as a weapon. Things have to be done their way or else you will experience their wrath of cheap jabs. They always seem to have mean comments about anything that's going well for you or anyone else.

I don't have to attend
every argument I'm invited to.
Anon

If this is any comfort, it's been said that most button pushers have a lack of Self Esteem. Their main aim is to make you feel as small as they feel. They will say or do anything to achieve this goal.
I've decided the best way to deal with button pushers is to ignore them. They think they have all the control but they don't. It's easy to cede your power over to a button pusher and the next thing you know, you're doing whatever they ask just to avoid the air of unpleasantness. Subsequently, you hate yourself for doing their bidding and you fill up with resentment. Which is no way to live.
The way I see it, a button pusher, selfish as they are, will eventually come around. Plus, you have to remember: It's not you, it's them!

I say, get over it. If not, quit your
 button pushing job. Or, start
your own company?

But, if we are real with ourselves, what are button pushers put on this earth for? They're here for a reason, I know it. What do they teach us about ourselves? What do we learn when we finally untie the strings attached to the Button Pusher's lure? What do we find out, after we have gained our ceded power back? Are you willing to dig deep and see why someone knows which buttons to push on you? Did they sew the buttons on you or did you put them there then expose them to the Pusher. Who's marionette puppet are you?

The truth is we have no control over events or over how others will react to them. The bullies, sulkers, button pushers, drama queens and kings will create excitement and a spectacle that is bound to get your heartbeat raised in not such a good way. To add salt to the wound, they will make snide comments that will drive you up the wall and find a way to blame everything on you. Their actions in the middle of all the drama, will not please you, for sure. However, who controls your reaction? You? Them? Do they make you mad? Really? How absurd is this statement: He makes me so freaking mad! She drives me insane!
No he doesn't and No, she doesn't.  You're like a mop. Someone's got you by the handle and is wiping the floor, left to right to left to right with you. Worse, you're letting them.

Analysis gave me great freedom
of emotions and fantastic confidence.
 I felt I had served my time as a puppet.
Hedy Lamarr

You Are The Decider! You choose how you will react to a disturbing person or event. Even in a situation that is completely out of your control, you have one thing in your control for a fact: Your emotions, your attitude, your stance......your buttons. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, even an irrational one. Button pushers have their own demonic issues, but, the reactions to button pushers are always ultimately about you.
Mostly I think what edges irritation into rage is the frustration, the helplessness, the vulnerability, the lack of control, the powerlessness of the situation and the feeling of being taken advantage of..... all of which you can control. Yes?
Other times though, if we are truthful: Button Pushers may be telling us a truth we already know but don't really want to acknowledge....Hmmm? Maybe?