Walk In The Light Of The Past

To walk safely through the maze of human
life, one needs the light of wisdom and
the guidance of virtue.~ Budha

I like to walk into my future guided by the light from my past. 6 years ago I went back home for the first time since leaving home in 1997. Going back home was like being recharged, with a high voltage something. It put me back in that place that I was before I came to the States. Back then, I day dreamed daily of leaving the country. Anywhere far away would have done. I had big dreams. I was going to be somebody!

And I did leave, headed straight for Alabama, ha, ha, ha! It’s funny now. I applied to a lot of different schools and this one in Alabama responded the fastest. Come to find out it was a for-profit 2 year college with non-transferable credits. A con, but that’s a story for another blog. Fast forward to 2006. Here I was so many prosperous years later, stuck in a 9-5 rut and a rapidly decaying marriage; doing the same thing monotonous day, after monotonous day. Giving meaning to this adage: Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure, it is in decay.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

Visiting Kenya was like a wake-up call. (Subsequent visits to 2006, have proven this theory over and over.) Laying there in my old bed in my old room, looking at the same posters, perusing the same books, placed me back mentally, into the same mindset that I had in 1997. A loud thought popped into my head saying, “Get another dream. You’ve already accomplished the last one.” Sadly, I realized I hadn’t planned past coming to the States and after starting a job that paid the bills, I lost sight of the “I’m going to make something of myself” dream.

Journal entry 2006: I needed this visit. I feel more alive now than I’ve ever felt in the last 9 years. I’m rejuvenated. I have a new zest for life. I am at square one, phase two, of my American life. Am back to my old self and I LOVE IT! At first I thought it was because I was turning thirty but actually it’s this trip, back to base, that’s reminded me of why I left in the first place.

A Kenyan Slum

Kenya reminded me of who I am and where I came from. My parents started out quite poor, but by the time I was in high school we were in the middle class, a privileged life compared to some of my fellow citizens. The visit also reminded me that there were still lots of people back home without the opportunity that I had been afforded. And here I was just letting it fritter away. Here were a people with the 3^rd largest economy in Africa yet among the poorest people in Africa. In 2006, there was a 71.5% literacy in men and only a 50.2% literacy in women. Life expectancy was 45 years. Luckily, 62% of Kenyans had access to improved water source. It's much more improved now, but we still have a long way to go.

 Of all my recent visits to Kenya, I remember February 2006 particularly because it was so bloody hot! It hadn’t rained in almost a year. The most amazing thing was, amid the dust, pollution, famine and desolation, nobody whined about anything. The Maasai , a semi nomadic tribe, normally grazed their cattle in the highlands. They were now bringing them into Nairobi city to access rapidly disappearing water. I remember waiting in traffic as a herd of cattle crossed the street in Westlands. Westlands is Nairobi's social and entertainment center, mostly for wealthy Kenyans, foreigners and expatriates. The cows were also being sold for next to nothing or battered for different products in the markets. People just did what they had to do. They just kept keeping on. “The rains are on their way,” they said cheerfully, every time I asked. “You’ll see, it will come.”  Such hope, such faith. And it did rain, the very day I was flying back to the US.

Privilege is not in and of itself bad;
what matters is what we do with privilege.
Privilege does not have to be negative,
 but we have to share our resources
and take direction about how
 to use our privilege
 in ways that empower those who lack it. 
― bell hooks,   
Homegrown: Engaged Cultural Criticism

When did I change? When did I get so spoiled. When did I stop becoming like my people? When did I catch the disease of pride, impatience, arrogance, entitlement? Especially entitlement, what an ugly stance to take. Nowadays I whine and complain if the guy in front of me is blocking the lane and driving slower than I am (not thankful I have an operating vehicle.) I groan if the line at the grocery store register is 3 shoppers long (not thankful that I am able to afford groceries at all.) Once, when I was really new to the States, I couldn’t afford to pay bills and eat. I had to do one or the other. I needed this trip; if for nothing else, to rediscover myself, my inherent self. There is something about Africa that completely changes its visitors; something that gives you a whole paradigm shift. It’s an essence, a spirit, a power. Take for instance Richard Pryor. He stopped using the word “nigger” when he went to Africa. He said he had never seen so many proud black men. He said, even if they didn't have as much as his countrymen in the US, they held their heads up high and they had dignity. He was forever changed by a visit to Africa.

     Proud!

But I digress.

Without revisiting your past, it’s so easy to forget where you came from, how far you’ve come, who you are, what your dreams were, what hopes you had for your future. It’s so easy to get into bad habits such as needless stress and worries, ungratefulness, unfairly comparing yourself to others, judging others who have “less” (and here the word “less” is relative), selfishness, me, me, me, all the time. Visiting your past humbles you and reminds you, at one point in time you didn’t know this privileged life. And that you did without a lot of luxuries. It didn’t kill you. Lack, actually, served to make you a better person, more hardworking, less complacent, less smug. Lack made you less content. It's almost as if the easier and more comfortable life becomes, the more selfish we orient. We also don't feel an urgency to want to pursue our goals. Life becomes “easy” and, Poof! Out go all the dreams and plans. We settle for a half-baked life. ¬check it out)

   Hope, promise.

It took a trip home to realize that I had lost myself. Neal Roese guides us thusly, “When we look back at our lives as a whole, we are most haunted by things left undone- romantic opportunities untried, career changes unexplored, friendships left untended. So the first suggestion is simply to act.” When I looked into all my cousin’s eyes, I saw the same hope and promise that I had at their age. They were so full of life, so energized, so eager. The sky was the limit with them, anything and everything was possible. I remember feeling that way! I saw in their eyes that same hunger for life and success that I used to have. I needed that back. I purposely allowed myself to get infected with their eagerness, their fervor, their gusto, their fire!

    The Kenyan Future

I often wonder if feeling dissatisfied with your life is your inner voice alerting you when you’ve lost your original self. Notifying you that you’ve come apart from who you sincerely, honestly, genuinely and accurately are. Maybe it’s a sign that you’ve wobbled off your divine path therefore you feel disconcerted, ill at ease. Essentially, when you feel unsettled, whatever you’re doing right now is not your calling. Everything seems to feel unresolved, something’s not adding up.  That's because, it’s not written in the stars this way. You’re off the tracks, way off! You've settled, and you know it, and your conscience will not let you off the hook, no matter how busy you get.


We have lost our way on our path.  It is time to do things in a way that respects our spirit, our ancestors, and where we come from.”

Lisa Brown quotes

We have lost our way on our path.
 It is time to do things in a way
that respects our spirit, our ancestors,
and where we come from.”

Lisa Brown quotes

Find what it is that will reset you: a certain person, people, a certain place/s, events, a certain activity,,, your own conscience. Where is your reset button? What do you have to do, to access that untainted part of yourself?
The You, with the big grin, sparkly eyes, can’t-wait-for-the-future. The You that’s full of plans and hope and joy de vivre. The You who gets up in the morning with a smile or a chuckle and a prayer of thanks. The You that does a little jig, for no good reason. The You that will burst into spontaneous dance upon hearing one of the thousands of “Ooh! That’s my favorite,” songs. The You whose day ends with, “That was awesome! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store, woo hoo!”  Where are You? Your future awaits. Look back for an instant, to see if you're off or still on the path. The Chinese say that if you keep on going the way you're going, you'll end up where you're heading. Trust that the past will shed light on the future's path. .

I love the way this author regards the bygone: “It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us...on the inside, looking out.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer