Empezando Tu Día Bien

What if we treated each day as a completely new day? As if we were re-born through the night and in the morning... we have a brand new chance to get it right.
Suppose you got to hit the reset button before you jumped out of bed? Maybe you could forget that insult from yesterday, that hurting from last year, that huge blunder you made last week, what you failed to do last night, blah, blah, blah. All that junk that goes around and around in our heads at a whirlwind pace if we're wound up or a sluggish, heavy, muddy mess when we're feeling blue.
Aah! Maybe we could do the same for each other. Forget what the other did, didn't do, say, didn't say. What does it matter TODAY? We should be like our pets who see the joy in every new day, every new moment.
Even the ancient Egyptians saw a new day as a sort of re-birth. Sunrise brought a completely novel day. I believe sunrise should bring me a new and fresh me. It should bring me a new start, a clean slate. Louise Hay said, "How you start your day is how you're going to live your day. And how you live your day is the way you live your life."

Waking up this morning, I smile,      
Twenty four brand new hours are before me.     
I vow to live fully in each moment     
and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.   

Thich Nhat Hanh

Why People Hurt Us

Here's how to stop them!

Existential Quandary

“The enemy is within the gates;
 it is with our own luxury,
our own folly, our own criminality
 that we have to contend.”
― Marcus Tullius Cicero

I hate to be a Debby downer, but I read in my economics book that the world produces more than enough food to go around. Somehow, in America people are dying of obesity - consumption of too much food. Contrastingly, in Sub-Saharan Africa and a few other countries in different continents, people are dying of starvation.

What in the world is going on?

Does anyone care? 

I know there are all these attempts to give Africans aid. The trouble lies in the politics associated with that food. Acceptance of said food is tied in to forcibly agreeing to do things the Africans wouldn't normally do or want to do. For example, convert to a certain religion or vote for a particular dictator in order to receive relief.
What about the children? My God, have you looked away from us? It breaks my heart. The evilness of man has trumped the goodness proffered.
It's so easy of me and a bit cowardly, to point fingers from the  comfort and safe distance of my American home. Should I leave my little piece of Heaven in Amelia Island and go on long uncomfortable journeys to places that could use some assistance? Can I possibly live in extreme climates, no heat or AC in the name of helping out my fellow humans? Or can I just send money to different organizations through my computer, from my cushy couch and call that helping?

those who find the courage to do at least one small thing each day to help the existence of another--plant, animal, river, or human being. They shall be joined by a multitude of the timid.
 those who lose their fear of death; theirs is the power to envision the future in a blade of grass.
 those who love and actively support the diversity of life; they shall be secure in their differences.
― Alice Walker

That's why I have decided to join the effort in my own little way. I will complete school pronto! and join Peace Corp. Learn how this helping others on a global scale functions. All while travelling the earth. My two dear passions. Eventually I'd like to join the efforts of a micro-lending organization.

I wonder what everyone else is doing?

“The world is only as fair as you can make it. Takes a lot of fight. A lot of fight. But if you stay in here, in your little cave, that's one less fighter on the side of fair.”  ― Libba Bray, Beauty Queens


Are we paying attention?

Wounds And Scars

“Contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. Yes, it does mark us. What we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”  Bell Hooks

I was thinking the other day about wounds and scars. How wounds can run deep but scars don't. I think the way our wounds heal should be a testament to how we should live our life. A scar is a sign that you were once wounded deeply, hopefully learnt your lesson and have moved on.

"When your heart speaks, take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

"When your heart speaks,
take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

Can you imagine if we lived a life where our wounds never healed? We would be stinking, rotting messes. This is how I believe some people are in their hearts and in their souls. They are a mess of wounds that have never healed. Everything they say is laden with hate,  jealousies, mistrust, irritation, old pain, unattended hurts, what ifs, if onlys, what used to be.....

But, maybe we don't like some of these wounds to heal. So the minute they threaten to close up, we poke and prod at them so they can remain inflamed. Is it a comfort thing? Preserving what's familiar? I don't know. We even put up a barrier around the wound sometimes. If a loved one who has had a similar injury shows concern and tries to heal us, we'll tell them to back off! Right? Regardless of the other party's expertise on the same type of lesion.

“When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch  your own heart, how do you expect  to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

“When you stop putting yourself
on the line, and you don't touch
 your own heart, how do you expect
 to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

I remember when I was going through separation, divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure, car repossession....  I was wound up so tight, I would not let anybody near my hurt. Emily Dickinson said, "a wounded deer leaps the highest." Boy, did I leap every time someone came close to me! I falsely believed that I was the only one who had ever hurt like I was hurting. No one knew my pain, I kept saying, no one! So I stayed in victim mode.   There's something so seductive about being a victim. I think it's all the attention you get from people. The way your friends treat you ever so gingerly, like fine china, as if you're bound to explode into little fragments at any given time.

It took a great, wise friend to finally see through my smokescreen. She wrecked the defense I had built around my suffering. She got tired of my moping and went right to the heart of my wound. She said, "Get over it sweetie. Build a bridge and get over it. You're not the first or the last woman that will ever get divorced. It happens to millions of women world wide. Pick yourself up and move on. Am here for you."

 Wow! Tough Love.

If that wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. She was right, of course. And if it weren't for her timely advice, I would probably still be a bitter, brooding mess. As for that wound, I can hardly see the scar... it's that tiny. There's a dull ache sometimes, where it used to be, but other than that, it's a done deal.

What are your wounds? Examine what has been needing healing. What's the wound you're allowing to fester and worsen. Don't kid yourself, people see it, people smell it. It is the nature of wounds. Penning it off into a corner of your heart, slapping a flimsy band aid on it, only serves to keep it open and more sore, not healed. Consequently, you always have to be on guard, in case someone touches it.  The watch is on 24-7 when it  comes to this particular wound/s. Find out how to heal it! Get a professional, a specialist on your particular wound.
Everything leaves a mark. The world needs more scars and less wounds. A scar is something you fondle lovingly, as you remember the lessons contained. It's a part of you; it's like a map to your life story. I read somewhere, "A scar means the hurting is over and the wound is healed." I know this in my heart: a wound is a reminder that, everyday, you are dying. While a scar is a reminder that everyday, you are living.

“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” ~Tori Amos

The Rest Is Gravy

It's so easy to be ungrateful. Sometimes it seems as if I have an eye only for what's going wrong in my life more than what's going right. Possibly it's because I am wired for problem solving. I read that somewhere, as women we are always looking to problem solve. To smooth and iron things out. So, by default our concentration goes to what's going wrong so we can fix it. Then of course, when we do succeed, we go hunting for more problems to repair. Next thing we know, we're depressed because hunting for problems unearths a whole host of them, bucket-fulls actually. The finding problems versus repairing them doesn't balance out and we end up with a shortfall in the "what's good" column.


Appreciate what you DO have.
So, if you receive anything
else, it will be
an extra.

So, there goes being happy, ever, right? Wrong. There's nothing wrong with problem solving. Where I go wrong is obsessing about an issue even when it is irreparable. Where I go wrong is casting my eye too long in the "what's wrong" column of my life.
The other day, Sunshine and I were having a discussion about  the  Problem People in our life. We decided it would be better to lower our expectations of these negative folks in our lives. Such that if they do finally come around then it would be a bonus for us. It would be like getting gravy over a meal that doesn't really require any. The gravy is a welcome extra.

Going further, we decided to extend this same courtesy to other areas in our life; by appreciating everything that is already in our life without wishing and wanting for "stuff" that we don't need. Eventually, if what we wanted (read: don't need) comes along, then it's gravy.
Looking at each of our lives we figured out we've got: gainful employment, loving and close family members, tranquil homes, peaceful minds, we're not going hungry, neither are we short of gas money to drive to work. So, as it were, we're really happy and obsessing about the bantam things that are going wrong is only driving us crazy for no good reason.

Examine your own life. Are you reading this article, undisturbed, on your latest electronic gadget, or your personal computer or I-phone? Are you starving? Do you lack school fees for you or your kids? Do you have clothes to wear? Do you have a stable job? Do you have a steady address, a dependable car? Do you have loving family members who hug your neck with genuine Love from time to time? Do you have good friends that call you up just to check on you and tell you they love you? Are you a picture of health? What more do you need? The rest.... is just gravy, baby!

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

~Seneca

Button Pushers: Are You Hooked?

Button Pushers are the worst! Everyone of us has that one person that knows exactly what to say and when to drive us crazy. Button pushers seem to catch us at the wrong time, always. They hook us, like fish, when we're not guarding our reactions. They produce in us every negative feeling, one of them being rage. They know, to the detail, what part of our personality to attack. And if you let them, button pushers will whip you into submission. Simply put, they will, if you let them, have you on your knees, broken and dejected, feeling sorry for yourself. Suddenly you feel like a fish...totally hooked, resigned to the fact and being reeled in.
Their Modus Operandi is bullying, sarcasm, mocking and derision, monopolizing dialogues, having the only "right" opinion. Worst of all, they're Sulkers. I detest sulkers. Why do they always assume you need them to talk to you? It never crosses their mind that they're doing us a huge favor by being silent. Button pushers have a way of using silence as a weapon. Things have to be done their way or else you will experience their wrath of cheap jabs. They always seem to have mean comments about anything that's going well for you or anyone else.

I don't have to attend
every argument I'm invited to.
Anon

If this is any comfort, it's been said that most button pushers have a lack of Self Esteem. Their main aim is to make you feel as small as they feel. They will say or do anything to achieve this goal.
I've decided the best way to deal with button pushers is to ignore them. They think they have all the control but they don't. It's easy to cede your power over to a button pusher and the next thing you know, you're doing whatever they ask just to avoid the air of unpleasantness. Subsequently, you hate yourself for doing their bidding and you fill up with resentment. Which is no way to live.
The way I see it, a button pusher, selfish as they are, will eventually come around. Plus, you have to remember: It's not you, it's them!

I say, get over it. If not, quit your
 button pushing job. Or, start
your own company?

But, if we are real with ourselves, what are button pushers put on this earth for? They're here for a reason, I know it. What do they teach us about ourselves? What do we learn when we finally untie the strings attached to the Button Pusher's lure? What do we find out, after we have gained our ceded power back? Are you willing to dig deep and see why someone knows which buttons to push on you? Did they sew the buttons on you or did you put them there then expose them to the Pusher. Who's marionette puppet are you?

The truth is we have no control over events or over how others will react to them. The bullies, sulkers, button pushers, drama queens and kings will create excitement and a spectacle that is bound to get your heartbeat raised in not such a good way. To add salt to the wound, they will make snide comments that will drive you up the wall and find a way to blame everything on you. Their actions in the middle of all the drama, will not please you, for sure. However, who controls your reaction? You? Them? Do they make you mad? Really? How absurd is this statement: He makes me so freaking mad! She drives me insane!
No he doesn't and No, she doesn't.  You're like a mop. Someone's got you by the handle and is wiping the floor, left to right to left to right with you. Worse, you're letting them.

Analysis gave me great freedom
of emotions and fantastic confidence.
 I felt I had served my time as a puppet.
Hedy Lamarr

You Are The Decider! You choose how you will react to a disturbing person or event. Even in a situation that is completely out of your control, you have one thing in your control for a fact: Your emotions, your attitude, your stance......your buttons. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, even an irrational one. Button pushers have their own demonic issues, but, the reactions to button pushers are always ultimately about you.
Mostly I think what edges irritation into rage is the frustration, the helplessness, the vulnerability, the lack of control, the powerlessness of the situation and the feeling of being taken advantage of..... all of which you can control. Yes?
Other times though, if we are truthful: Button Pushers may be telling us a truth we already know but don't really want to acknowledge....Hmmm? Maybe?

Thank You, Teacher

THANK YOU MRS.AGNES OJARA P O BOX 12345, 00600 Nairobi.

Dear Mrs. Ojara, I hope this missive finds you well.

It has been said, “A good teacher explains. A superior teacher demonstrates. A great teacher inspires.”

At the risk of stating the obvious, I realize I may not have been your prize English student.

In fact, I struggled with learning Shakespeare and other classic Literature. I began your Introduction to Shakespeare class with great trepidation.

From Day One you began revising my once-poor opinion of English Literature and English grammar in general.

Words cannot tell you how much I appreciated your passion for the English language and your patience with us during English lessons. You must have infected me with a bug because I tell you Mrs. Ojara, I have had a loving affair with the English language since I left Moi Nairobi Girls High School.

I remember in particular how fervently and zealously you discussed Romeo and Juliet. To this day I can still remember the names of the main characters. However, more than anything, you taught us the lesson of passion. Passion for what you do, no matter what it is that you do.

I want you to know, I have carried that lesson with me all my adult life. Passion has served me well whether it’s at home or at work. I’m currently employed by an Airline here in Florida. I work on the ground as a customer service agent, booking tickets and checking in baggage. A job that I love to bits since each day is as alike as chalk and cheese. I’m known at work for my passion for a job well done, for my explanation skills to befuddled first time flyers, for my clarity and uncomplicated, easily digestible instructions to trainees (when I trained.)

Most of all, my boss is impressed by my level of commitment to my job, and my superlative communication skills; all of which I emulated from you.

Mrs. Ojara, I regret not writing you sooner. I got derailed by a defective marriage, a prolonged divorce and an even more delayed bounce back. Nevertheless, as soon as I caught my second wind, I was up and running with my writing expertise.

I cannot say Thank You enough for instilling in me discipline and a reverence for the English language. 

May God Bless and keep you Mrs.Ojara,

Your Student,

Judy N. K.

If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. ~Donald D. Quinn

A good teacher is a master of simplification and an enemy of simplism. ~Louis A. Berman

Walk In The Light Of The Past

To walk safely through the maze of human
life, one needs the light of wisdom and
the guidance of virtue.~ Budha

I like to walk into my future guided by the light from my past. 6 years ago I went back home for the first time since leaving home in 1997. Going back home was like being recharged, with a high voltage something. It put me back in that place that I was before I came to the States. Back then, I day dreamed daily of leaving the country. Anywhere far away would have done. I had big dreams. I was going to be somebody!

And I did leave, headed straight for Alabama, ha, ha, ha! It’s funny now. I applied to a lot of different schools and this one in Alabama responded the fastest. Come to find out it was a for-profit 2 year college with non-transferable credits. A con, but that’s a story for another blog. Fast forward to 2006. Here I was so many prosperous years later, stuck in a 9-5 rut and a rapidly decaying marriage; doing the same thing monotonous day, after monotonous day. Giving meaning to this adage: Tradition becomes our security, and when the mind is secure, it is in decay.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

Visiting Kenya was like a wake-up call. (Subsequent visits to 2006, have proven this theory over and over.) Laying there in my old bed in my old room, looking at the same posters, perusing the same books, placed me back mentally, into the same mindset that I had in 1997. A loud thought popped into my head saying, “Get another dream. You’ve already accomplished the last one.” Sadly, I realized I hadn’t planned past coming to the States and after starting a job that paid the bills, I lost sight of the “I’m going to make something of myself” dream.

Journal entry 2006: I needed this visit. I feel more alive now than I’ve ever felt in the last 9 years. I’m rejuvenated. I have a new zest for life. I am at square one, phase two, of my American life. Am back to my old self and I LOVE IT! At first I thought it was because I was turning thirty but actually it’s this trip, back to base, that’s reminded me of why I left in the first place.

A Kenyan Slum

Kenya reminded me of who I am and where I came from. My parents started out quite poor, but by the time I was in high school we were in the middle class, a privileged life compared to some of my fellow citizens. The visit also reminded me that there were still lots of people back home without the opportunity that I had been afforded. And here I was just letting it fritter away. Here were a people with the 3^rd largest economy in Africa yet among the poorest people in Africa. In 2006, there was a 71.5% literacy in men and only a 50.2% literacy in women. Life expectancy was 45 years. Luckily, 62% of Kenyans had access to improved water source. It's much more improved now, but we still have a long way to go.

 Of all my recent visits to Kenya, I remember February 2006 particularly because it was so bloody hot! It hadn’t rained in almost a year. The most amazing thing was, amid the dust, pollution, famine and desolation, nobody whined about anything. The Maasai , a semi nomadic tribe, normally grazed their cattle in the highlands. They were now bringing them into Nairobi city to access rapidly disappearing water. I remember waiting in traffic as a herd of cattle crossed the street in Westlands. Westlands is Nairobi's social and entertainment center, mostly for wealthy Kenyans, foreigners and expatriates. The cows were also being sold for next to nothing or battered for different products in the markets. People just did what they had to do. They just kept keeping on. “The rains are on their way,” they said cheerfully, every time I asked. “You’ll see, it will come.”  Such hope, such faith. And it did rain, the very day I was flying back to the US.

Privilege is not in and of itself bad;
what matters is what we do with privilege.
Privilege does not have to be negative,
 but we have to share our resources
and take direction about how
 to use our privilege
 in ways that empower those who lack it. 
― bell hooks,   
Homegrown: Engaged Cultural Criticism

When did I change? When did I get so spoiled. When did I stop becoming like my people? When did I catch the disease of pride, impatience, arrogance, entitlement? Especially entitlement, what an ugly stance to take. Nowadays I whine and complain if the guy in front of me is blocking the lane and driving slower than I am (not thankful I have an operating vehicle.) I groan if the line at the grocery store register is 3 shoppers long (not thankful that I am able to afford groceries at all.) Once, when I was really new to the States, I couldn’t afford to pay bills and eat. I had to do one or the other. I needed this trip; if for nothing else, to rediscover myself, my inherent self. There is something about Africa that completely changes its visitors; something that gives you a whole paradigm shift. It’s an essence, a spirit, a power. Take for instance Richard Pryor. He stopped using the word “nigger” when he went to Africa. He said he had never seen so many proud black men. He said, even if they didn't have as much as his countrymen in the US, they held their heads up high and they had dignity. He was forever changed by a visit to Africa.

     Proud!

But I digress.

Without revisiting your past, it’s so easy to forget where you came from, how far you’ve come, who you are, what your dreams were, what hopes you had for your future. It’s so easy to get into bad habits such as needless stress and worries, ungratefulness, unfairly comparing yourself to others, judging others who have “less” (and here the word “less” is relative), selfishness, me, me, me, all the time. Visiting your past humbles you and reminds you, at one point in time you didn’t know this privileged life. And that you did without a lot of luxuries. It didn’t kill you. Lack, actually, served to make you a better person, more hardworking, less complacent, less smug. Lack made you less content. It's almost as if the easier and more comfortable life becomes, the more selfish we orient. We also don't feel an urgency to want to pursue our goals. Life becomes “easy” and, Poof! Out go all the dreams and plans. We settle for a half-baked life. ¬check it out)

   Hope, promise.

It took a trip home to realize that I had lost myself. Neal Roese guides us thusly, “When we look back at our lives as a whole, we are most haunted by things left undone- romantic opportunities untried, career changes unexplored, friendships left untended. So the first suggestion is simply to act.” When I looked into all my cousin’s eyes, I saw the same hope and promise that I had at their age. They were so full of life, so energized, so eager. The sky was the limit with them, anything and everything was possible. I remember feeling that way! I saw in their eyes that same hunger for life and success that I used to have. I needed that back. I purposely allowed myself to get infected with their eagerness, their fervor, their gusto, their fire!

    The Kenyan Future

I often wonder if feeling dissatisfied with your life is your inner voice alerting you when you’ve lost your original self. Notifying you that you’ve come apart from who you sincerely, honestly, genuinely and accurately are. Maybe it’s a sign that you’ve wobbled off your divine path therefore you feel disconcerted, ill at ease. Essentially, when you feel unsettled, whatever you’re doing right now is not your calling. Everything seems to feel unresolved, something’s not adding up.  That's because, it’s not written in the stars this way. You’re off the tracks, way off! You've settled, and you know it, and your conscience will not let you off the hook, no matter how busy you get.


We have lost our way on our path.  It is time to do things in a way that respects our spirit, our ancestors, and where we come from.”

Lisa Brown quotes

We have lost our way on our path.
 It is time to do things in a way
that respects our spirit, our ancestors,
and where we come from.”

Lisa Brown quotes

Find what it is that will reset you: a certain person, people, a certain place/s, events, a certain activity,,, your own conscience. Where is your reset button? What do you have to do, to access that untainted part of yourself?
The You, with the big grin, sparkly eyes, can’t-wait-for-the-future. The You that’s full of plans and hope and joy de vivre. The You who gets up in the morning with a smile or a chuckle and a prayer of thanks. The You that does a little jig, for no good reason. The You that will burst into spontaneous dance upon hearing one of the thousands of “Ooh! That’s my favorite,” songs. The You whose day ends with, “That was awesome! Can’t wait to see what tomorrow has in store, woo hoo!”  Where are You? Your future awaits. Look back for an instant, to see if you're off or still on the path. The Chinese say that if you keep on going the way you're going, you'll end up where you're heading. Trust that the past will shed light on the future's path. .

I love the way this author regards the bygone: “It has shown me that everything is illuminated in the light of the past. It is always along the side of us...on the inside, looking out.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer

Judging You Defines Me

A judgment is a balanced weighing up of evidence to form a decision or opinion.
Judgment or judgement may also refer to:

• A judgment (law), a formal decision made by a court following a lawsuit
• A value judgment, a determination of something's worth or goodness, based upon a particular set of values or point of view.

Judgment of others: are you guilty, am I guilty? Yes. God knows, if we're honest, this habit comes to us like breathing. It's the first thing we do when we encounter someone new. It's the first thing we do when we hear a juicy tidbit of gossip about someone we already know.
Recently an ex co-worker, came through our city. Although she's moved out of the state, her relatives still reside in FL, so she comes to visit now and then. Before she left FL, however, she got into a bit of a self-humiliating mess on a personal level. Something she's told me she's not proud of. She struggled for  a long time with the consequences of the said events. Eventually, she repented and renewed her Faith. She doesn't make light of what happened. She is now healed and living a positive life devoid of regret and self-loathing. Am very happy for her. She sounded wonderful when I chatted with her on the phone.

Be curious, not judgmental.
~Walt Whitman

Here's the sad part, not all of her friends or ex-friends have forgiven her for an event that happened a long while back. Not only that, these people whom she comes in brief contact with while in FL, who haven't forgiven her, were not touched directly by the fiasco. I do know almost for sure that the pure, uncontaminated details of a scandal can only be known by the people intimately involved (2, maybe 3 people, tops). Everyone else is just a curious or judgmental spectator, armed with too few details to make a decision on the matter. But, why the unforgiveness? Haven't we all needed forgiveness in the past or will need forgiveness in the future? When we are in meditation or prayer, guaranteed we all ask for absolution for some misdeed, huge or small. How can we dare ask for compassion for our errors and yet we won't offer it to others?

I have to wonder about judgment, only because I catch myself doing it at times. When we judge, is it because we see ourselves in others? That flaw that we see in others, it has to be in us too, or else we would never recognize it in another. Having that log in my eye is what gives me an idea to point out the speck in yours, only because I know how it feels, you see? Or is it that we've deemed ourselves so perfect and everyone else so defective? How can I judge another, as if I'm so perfectly created? Oh, and how I hate to be judged!

It has got to be the absolutely hardest habit to break. For one, most times there are no immediate or discernible consequences, furthermore the person you're judging never has to know. However, your conscience will let you know you're wrong. Maybe  it's a survival instinct, this comparing business, who knows?
I do know this for sure, it is a habit that I'd like to loose. I wish to pay people more compliments. I would like to develop a new habit: Notice one lovely thing about someone, instead of a flaw. Here's another habit I want to cultivate: Notice what I have in common with someone instead of what sets us apart. These are lofty aspirations for sure but well worth trying, right?

Leave this world better
 than when you found it.
Wilferd A. Peterson

I want to leave people feeling better than I found them. I want to leave a room with a much more positive vibe than I first encountered. I want people to leave my company feeling blessed instead of doomed. Instead of judging the person behind a register, I want to have an honestly warm chitchat session with the check out person, and also the grocery bagger. I may be the only smile they see that day. I will compliment the chic or guy who is dressed to the nines. And the one who isn't, (here I go judging), has to to have at least one cute piece of jewelry or other adornment like an oddly beautiful tie or scarf, or an awesome looking purse...  I'm not saying it's going to be effortless, but I believe it will be worth it. I may not always succeed, some days will be better than others but I will try my hardest to be    íMindfulý
 

And the funny thing is, I can't accuse another of being judgmental without being judgmental myself. There's no such thing as a non-judgmental judgment.

FOR THOSE FEELING JUDGED:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~Nelson Mandela 

Adjusting My Expectations

What's with the obsession with progress reports? If we are truthful, we know that social media websites and gadgets have put us dangerously in touch. We are now competing with each other for an imaginary title of "Best Life Ever." There's almost an unspoken disapproval for people who are not up to par. People who are struggling, people who are on the downslope side of life. There's this unspoken rule not to post anything when you're having a hard time and need to reach out. Why? The fakeness of some of those posts nauseates me.
We've become a society that demands and expects 24-7 excellence. There is no room for error. No slipping, no faltering, especially no falling is allowed. How contorted is this? It's always sunny in FaceBook World. What a shame! Que Lastima!

All this demand for well adjusted individuals has only created in many a sense that they're doing badly. To me, I think it has a bizarre effect. The more we see all these people in the news and social media who are leading these picture perfect lives, the harder we are on ourselves. At one time I thought, "What's wrong with me? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I too broken? Am I not good enough? According to life on FB I should be a doctor by now, I should have 2 degrees, I should be married with 2.5 kids- a boy, a girl and one on the way." Everybody is so well achieved on FB- Doctors, Lawyers, Nurses, CEOs, Politicians, Business Owners, etc. Especially those inviting you for re-unions are so highly achieved, in a moment of shame and self-pity I killed my FB account.

What if we didn't have these dangerously high levels of contact, this overexposure into people's lives, would we be so hard on ourselves? What if we caught up now and then? Would that give me room to breath? Room to improve on my life without the "competition" in my face? Would I celebrate people's achievements more and not see these said achievements as a call to arms? Do I really need to know where you are at every given moment of your life?
What if I posted what I really felt? What if people posted what they really felt? What if depressives and suicidals reached out? Would they still be "Liked"? Would there be as many socially pressured suicides? And that's another thing, why don't some online communities speak against internet bullying? Is it because they think it's not so real since it's online?

Recently my friend Sunshine saw one of our facebook friends, live and in person. The human being standing infront of her looked nothing like the facebook poster. It was a crying shame. Is it possible that the pressure to put on a happy front has desensitized us from feeling for our friends. Desensitized us from being in tune to our friend's needs, worries, and heartaches. Desensitized us from trying to find out what is REALLY going on. This unwritten rule has deterred everyone from posting how they TRULY feel. When this online lifestyle is translated to real life, people are not wanting to know, or care what's really going on.

This has happened to me:
How are you? I asked.
Everything is good, am ok. You ok?
No. I said.
It's all good though, right?
(Arrgh! Unbelievable! No, not really)  I said in my mind. I know when to stop, the person did not really want to hear that I wasn't ok.

I know a friend on facebook who has posts that are contradictory to what they feel. I know this because I am able to see this person and can tell something is wrong. I decided to make myself available, in person to this person so they could have a shoulder to cry on and so they could share their REAL pain with Sunshine and I.


I have learnt to adjust my expectations. That's why I reopened my FB account after cultivating a healthy mind set. What I see doesn't mirror what is actually going on. People just want to put only their best foot forward. I wish it weren't so, and there was a healthy reality based balance. What sense does it make in reality, to have 300 friends? It would be impossible to carry on a quality relationship with all those people. My achievements are subject to my timeline, not somebody elses. I am no longer shocked by the difference between the happy go lucky person on facebook, and the real, live person I encounter. 
And I know that all those friend requests don't mean I'm popular, just that people are merely curious as we all have a little voyeurism in us.

“If you spent your life concentrating on what everyone else thought of you, would you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned out to be a mask... with nothing beneath it?”
― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

Among the most central of all Budhist psychological principles are the Four Noble Truths, which begin by acknowledging the inevitable suffering in human life. This truth, too, is hard to talk about in modern culture, where people are taught to avoid discomfort at any cost, where "the pursuit of happinness" has become "the right to happiness." And yet when we are suffering it is so refreshing and helpful to have the truth of suffering acknowledged. ~Jack Kornfield, The Wise Heart