Wounds And Scars

“Contrary to what we may have been taught to think, unnecessary and unchosen suffering wounds us but need not scar us for life. Yes, it does mark us. What we allow the mark of our suffering to become is in our own hands.”  Bell Hooks

I was thinking the other day about wounds and scars. How wounds can run deep but scars don't. I think the way our wounds heal should be a testament to how we should live our life. A scar is a sign that you were once wounded deeply, hopefully learnt your lesson and have moved on.

"When your heart speaks, take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

"When your heart speaks,
take good notes.”

Judith Campbell

Can you imagine if we lived a life where our wounds never healed? We would be stinking, rotting messes. This is how I believe some people are in their hearts and in their souls. They are a mess of wounds that have never healed. Everything they say is laden with hate,  jealousies, mistrust, irritation, old pain, unattended hurts, what ifs, if onlys, what used to be.....

But, maybe we don't like some of these wounds to heal. So the minute they threaten to close up, we poke and prod at them so they can remain inflamed. Is it a comfort thing? Preserving what's familiar? I don't know. We even put up a barrier around the wound sometimes. If a loved one who has had a similar injury shows concern and tries to heal us, we'll tell them to back off! Right? Regardless of the other party's expertise on the same type of lesion.

“When you stop putting yourself on the line, and you don't touch  your own heart, how do you expect  to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

“When you stop putting yourself
on the line, and you don't touch
 your own heart, how do you expect
 to touch other people?”

Tori Amos

I remember when I was going through separation, divorce, bankruptcy, foreclosure, car repossession....  I was wound up so tight, I would not let anybody near my hurt. Emily Dickinson said, "a wounded deer leaps the highest." Boy, did I leap every time someone came close to me! I falsely believed that I was the only one who had ever hurt like I was hurting. No one knew my pain, I kept saying, no one! So I stayed in victim mode.   There's something so seductive about being a victim. I think it's all the attention you get from people. The way your friends treat you ever so gingerly, like fine china, as if you're bound to explode into little fragments at any given time.

It took a great, wise friend to finally see through my smokescreen. She wrecked the defense I had built around my suffering. She got tired of my moping and went right to the heart of my wound. She said, "Get over it sweetie. Build a bridge and get over it. You're not the first or the last woman that will ever get divorced. It happens to millions of women world wide. Pick yourself up and move on. Am here for you."

 Wow! Tough Love.

If that wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. She was right, of course. And if it weren't for her timely advice, I would probably still be a bitter, brooding mess. As for that wound, I can hardly see the scar... it's that tiny. There's a dull ache sometimes, where it used to be, but other than that, it's a done deal.

What are your wounds? Examine what has been needing healing. What's the wound you're allowing to fester and worsen. Don't kid yourself, people see it, people smell it. It is the nature of wounds. Penning it off into a corner of your heart, slapping a flimsy band aid on it, only serves to keep it open and more sore, not healed. Consequently, you always have to be on guard, in case someone touches it.  The watch is on 24-7 when it  comes to this particular wound/s. Find out how to heal it! Get a professional, a specialist on your particular wound.
Everything leaves a mark. The world needs more scars and less wounds. A scar is something you fondle lovingly, as you remember the lessons contained. It's a part of you; it's like a map to your life story. I read somewhere, "A scar means the hurting is over and the wound is healed." I know this in my heart: a wound is a reminder that, everyday, you are dying. While a scar is a reminder that everyday, you are living.

“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.” ~Tori Amos

The Rest Is Gravy

It's so easy to be ungrateful. Sometimes it seems as if I have an eye only for what's going wrong in my life more than what's going right. Possibly it's because I am wired for problem solving. I read that somewhere, as women we are always looking to problem solve. To smooth and iron things out. So, by default our concentration goes to what's going wrong so we can fix it. Then of course, when we do succeed, we go hunting for more problems to repair. Next thing we know, we're depressed because hunting for problems unearths a whole host of them, bucket-fulls actually. The finding problems versus repairing them doesn't balance out and we end up with a shortfall in the "what's good" column.


Appreciate what you DO have.
So, if you receive anything
else, it will be
an extra.

So, there goes being happy, ever, right? Wrong. There's nothing wrong with problem solving. Where I go wrong is obsessing about an issue even when it is irreparable. Where I go wrong is casting my eye too long in the "what's wrong" column of my life.
The other day, Sunshine and I were having a discussion about  the  Problem People in our life. We decided it would be better to lower our expectations of these negative folks in our lives. Such that if they do finally come around then it would be a bonus for us. It would be like getting gravy over a meal that doesn't really require any. The gravy is a welcome extra.

Going further, we decided to extend this same courtesy to other areas in our life; by appreciating everything that is already in our life without wishing and wanting for "stuff" that we don't need. Eventually, if what we wanted (read: don't need) comes along, then it's gravy.
Looking at each of our lives we figured out we've got: gainful employment, loving and close family members, tranquil homes, peaceful minds, we're not going hungry, neither are we short of gas money to drive to work. So, as it were, we're really happy and obsessing about the bantam things that are going wrong is only driving us crazy for no good reason.

Examine your own life. Are you reading this article, undisturbed, on your latest electronic gadget, or your personal computer or I-phone? Are you starving? Do you lack school fees for you or your kids? Do you have clothes to wear? Do you have a stable job? Do you have a steady address, a dependable car? Do you have loving family members who hug your neck with genuine Love from time to time? Do you have good friends that call you up just to check on you and tell you they love you? Are you a picture of health? What more do you need? The rest.... is just gravy, baby!

Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.

~Seneca

Button Pushers: Are You Hooked?

Button Pushers are the worst! Everyone of us has that one person that knows exactly what to say and when to drive us crazy. Button pushers seem to catch us at the wrong time, always. They hook us, like fish, when we're not guarding our reactions. They produce in us every negative feeling, one of them being rage. They know, to the detail, what part of our personality to attack. And if you let them, button pushers will whip you into submission. Simply put, they will, if you let them, have you on your knees, broken and dejected, feeling sorry for yourself. Suddenly you feel like a fish...totally hooked, resigned to the fact and being reeled in.
Their Modus Operandi is bullying, sarcasm, mocking and derision, monopolizing dialogues, having the only "right" opinion. Worst of all, they're Sulkers. I detest sulkers. Why do they always assume you need them to talk to you? It never crosses their mind that they're doing us a huge favor by being silent. Button pushers have a way of using silence as a weapon. Things have to be done their way or else you will experience their wrath of cheap jabs. They always seem to have mean comments about anything that's going well for you or anyone else.

I don't have to attend
every argument I'm invited to.
Anon

If this is any comfort, it's been said that most button pushers have a lack of Self Esteem. Their main aim is to make you feel as small as they feel. They will say or do anything to achieve this goal.
I've decided the best way to deal with button pushers is to ignore them. They think they have all the control but they don't. It's easy to cede your power over to a button pusher and the next thing you know, you're doing whatever they ask just to avoid the air of unpleasantness. Subsequently, you hate yourself for doing their bidding and you fill up with resentment. Which is no way to live.
The way I see it, a button pusher, selfish as they are, will eventually come around. Plus, you have to remember: It's not you, it's them!

I say, get over it. If not, quit your
 button pushing job. Or, start
your own company?

But, if we are real with ourselves, what are button pushers put on this earth for? They're here for a reason, I know it. What do they teach us about ourselves? What do we learn when we finally untie the strings attached to the Button Pusher's lure? What do we find out, after we have gained our ceded power back? Are you willing to dig deep and see why someone knows which buttons to push on you? Did they sew the buttons on you or did you put them there then expose them to the Pusher. Who's marionette puppet are you?

The truth is we have no control over events or over how others will react to them. The bullies, sulkers, button pushers, drama queens and kings will create excitement and a spectacle that is bound to get your heartbeat raised in not such a good way. To add salt to the wound, they will make snide comments that will drive you up the wall and find a way to blame everything on you. Their actions in the middle of all the drama, will not please you, for sure. However, who controls your reaction? You? Them? Do they make you mad? Really? How absurd is this statement: He makes me so freaking mad! She drives me insane!
No he doesn't and No, she doesn't.  You're like a mop. Someone's got you by the handle and is wiping the floor, left to right to left to right with you. Worse, you're letting them.

Analysis gave me great freedom
of emotions and fantastic confidence.
 I felt I had served my time as a puppet.
Hedy Lamarr

You Are The Decider! You choose how you will react to a disturbing person or event. Even in a situation that is completely out of your control, you have one thing in your control for a fact: Your emotions, your attitude, your stance......your buttons. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, even an irrational one. Button pushers have their own demonic issues, but, the reactions to button pushers are always ultimately about you.
Mostly I think what edges irritation into rage is the frustration, the helplessness, the vulnerability, the lack of control, the powerlessness of the situation and the feeling of being taken advantage of..... all of which you can control. Yes?
Other times though, if we are truthful: Button Pushers may be telling us a truth we already know but don't really want to acknowledge....Hmmm? Maybe?