What I've Learnt

ego enhancing

  v Not to sabotage my strength by engaging in activities that take away from my spirit. Daily I ask: Where am I deriving my sense of strength from? The worst habit I have to disengage in is ego enhancing. By the things I do e.g.: cutting people off in traffic, cursing out other drivers yet it's me that's late, gossiping in order to feel better about myself, labeling the weather, incidents and people as bad or wrong which by default brands me as right, airing unsolicited opinions, etc. Ego correction is a double edged sword. It makes me forget to be humble, puffs out my chest, gives me counterfeit strength but ultimately weakens my spirit.
The danger in ego enhancing is that in a sense I've deemed myself as a victim of some sort (someone hurt my little ego) and am now getting "rightful" justice. Tracy Mcmillan once said: You get to be  a victim and be right (and righteous) but then you're stuck there.

v There is no Fail or Pass grade handed out at anyone’s Eulogy. I do not want to be the best looking corpse ever. Most people live as if there’s a beauty pageant for cadavers. By the same token, there is no finish line in life. Slow down, self orientate.

v I never discount anyone I meet in my life.

v There are no meaningless experiences.

v It’s me not paying attention, it’s not the experience. The experience is neither good nor bad, it’s neutral.

v I’ve learnt to open my third eye.

v God has an awesome sense of humor.

v It’s entirely possible that it’s not them it’s me.

v The lesson I hold dear above all else and that has saved me countless altercations, is an Eckhart Tolle production: The truth in no event needs defense.

 v The way I do anything is the way I’ll do everything. Per my parents, if you’re going to be a ditch digger, be the best ditch digger you can be. If you’re going to be President be the most honorable President who ever lived.

v I’ve learnt to watch my preverbal intention. Dr. Wayne Dyer likes to say: Intention doesn't err.

v Be humble. Death is the common right of toads and men. Why swagger then? ~Emily Dickinson.

v I've learnt to be willing to revisit my statements and eat humble pie if I have to retract my assertions and proclamations.

“Be humble for you are made of earth.
Be noble for you are made of stars”
― Serbian proverb

v I have learnt that I am not sure of anything. As my close friend, Sunshine and I say, “You can never be too sure.” The same goes for guaranteeing something.

v  I have learnt to admit how helpless and powerless I am over alcoholism.

v I have learnt that my true friends will respect the fact that I am going to any length to stay sober

v I have learnt to give up self direction and invite God into my life to show me how to live.

v I have learnt to claim progress and not perfection.

The Angry Letter

Hello gang!
Here is "The Angry Letter". I got this blank letter format as a hand out, at the healing center I attended. It has been tantamount in getting me out of a sticky issue especially one laden with internalized anger.
It is a letter that can be written to the thing or person you have the most divergence with: to yourself, to your ex, to your partner, to your parents, to your anxiety or depression, to your debt, to life, to death, to God.
In my case I wrote it to my addiction and anxiety. A letter which I will share next week in my alcohol addiction recovery blog
Use each of these unfinished sentences, at least once in the letter. Use any of them more than once or supplement your own. Write as many pages as you need. This letter is not for the person you write to, it is for you and it is used as a means to help you come to terms with repressed anger. Feel free to copy and paste in order to fill out the blanks.


Dear ________________________

I hate it when...............

It's not fair that............

I don't understand........

Get angry, get furious
but never crumble
 to resentment. ~Dodinsky,

I'm tired of...................

I don't like the way.......

I'm most angry because.....

I want..................



I'm hurt because............

I'm sad because............

Holding on to anger
 is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it
  at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
  ~Buddha

I feel let down because .....

I feel like I've lost ............

I miss.................



I'm afraid that ..............


My biggest fear is.........



I wish I ..............

I want to ............

I need to ...........



I accept that I...........

I understand that I ....



I need to take care of myself by ......

I need to ask.................

I need to tell.............


Thank You.

How To Communicate Well: Tips

HERE ARE SOME TIPS THAT I’VE GATHERED ON COMMUNICATING WELL:

These tips have served me well whether I am at home or at work or just navigating life.

v  Learn to listen.

o   It has to be the worst habits humans have: Not listening. Why is it we like people to listen to us and we can’t afford others the same courtesy? If you have something valid to say, well, so does the next guy. It really boils down to respect. Treat people like you would like to be treated. "Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David W. Augsburger

v  Watch your body language.

o   I believe before we spoke we had body language. Your body language says more than you could ever say articulating thoughts into words. Hunched shoulders, folded arms, open arms, frowns, sneers, relaxed physique, big, wide smiles…
Always have and maintain eye contact, or else you look as if you're not being truthful.

v  Notice conversational style.

o   The most effective communicators are those who can read their audience and tailor the conversation to suit their listeners. The job is to be heard well, the first time around and to get your entire message across.

v  Learn to be more assertive.

o   I don’t know anyone that likes a mousy person; or a soft talker for that matter. People respond best to individuals who are self-assured, emphatic and who speak with confidence and poise.

v  Watch "always" and "never".

o   I will be the first to admit, I used to use these two words a lot. One day I went home to Kenya and started really listening to everyone: My family, friends, neighbors and the news. My culture uses these words frequently, also throw in "all" and "everybody". It gets worse when the news is translated to English. These words should only be used in the event of a catastrophe or in reference to anything absolute. Never say never. Nothing you say should be set in stone. Be willing to renege and revise your statements.

v  Make your requests specific.

o   Don’t we all hate a time waster? That guy that never quite gets to the point; that person who sets up the story by starting with a needless piece of history from 1801, giving us a run through the history of humanity before finally stating what it is they want.  No judgment here but I think the South has a big problem with this. Northerners are my heroes when it comes to being direct and specific.

o   In addition, be careful what you ask for, you just may get it. For an example some irate passenger demands a refund thanks to a delayed flight. So I comply. Imagine my confusion when they stand there holding a refund slip and asking what time they can expect to arrive at their destination. Come on! Come to find out they meant to express their displeasure at the situation. “I didn’t mean a “refund” refund!” they say sheepishly. Aargh!

v  Learn to say "No"

o   No is a complete sentence. Period. Start explaining yourself and you’ve opened up a can of worms.

We never look beyond our assumptions
and what's worse, we have given up
 trying to meet others;
we just meet ourselves.”
~Muriel Barbery 

v  Check out your assumptions.

o   You know what to assume means? It means you will surely make an ……. Out of ….Yah! You got it.

v  Nip conflict in the bud.

o   Working in the airline industry has created in me an instinct for conflict before it even begins. Thanks to over vigilance on the part of consumer groups and horrible television advice, a lot of passengers show up at the airport ready to “fight for their rights!” So, I stop them before they go way into my end zone. I provide clear instructions, honest information especially about delays, I listen more than I talk and I display confidence. Super important; because I know what am doing.  It’s them that’s the first time flyer armed with a host of inaccurate consumer tips.

v  Change how you talk to yourself.

o   How you talk to yourself has a lot to do with how you treat yourself. This in turn influences your confidence and how you communicate. If you do not like yourself, it shows and you will come off as a weasel to people.

o   If you show up as weak, broken, confused and dazed, the world is going to respond to you that way. If you show up as confident, kind, compassionate and loving, then the world is going to respond to you that way.~Iyanla Vanzant

v  Practice praising.

o   People, including you, like to be praised, acknowledged, to be validated. Admiration begets admiration. The more praise you give, the more praise you’ll get. Also learn how to take a compliment when you’re being praised. Study children, they’re very good at receiving accolades. The simple answer to a compliment is: Thank You.

v  Learn to cope with criticism.

o   This one’s tricky. Why does some criticism breed insecurity or does it depend on how one receives it? Or, is it dependent on whether the criticism is coming from a healthy source. Should I ignore all criticism? Are people just hating?

o   I posed this question to my therapist: Should criticism always build us up? Where is its place in social engagements?

o   Short answer: Consider the source. Criticism should be and feel constructive.

o   Don’t assume criticism is judgment. Listen to the actual words. Ask for an explanation, if you don’t understand the other’s analysis.

v  Say you're sorry.

How do YOU say I'm sorry?

  oA stiff apology is a second insult.... The injured party does not want to be compensated because he has been wronged; he wants to be healed because he has been hurt. ~G.K. Chesterton

How to Communicate well: My Background

Dad and Mom. New Year's bash.

Communication is my strong point. It has always been. I believe I got it from my parents.







My mother’s style is to repeat and hammer the message infinitely. It’s a very effective way because, the next time you think of wronging her and remember her mouth…oh! Yep, you will be rethinking your actions. My father has a very quiet way. He doesn’t say much but when he speaks it’s concise, precise, to the point and profound. Therefore he only says something once.

Take for example an episode that happened when I was sixteen. I was feeling very grown up and thought I could stay away from home for two nights and not call home. I was hanging out at my girlfriends place. No adult presence. Needless to say, we didn’t have any innocent events planned. Boy did we partay! Without any regard for our safety of course; just young and dumb.

When I finally got home, my siblings told me, “Oooooh, Mom’s been waiting for yooooou.”Everyone knows how siblings like to torture each other.

 Allow me to backtrack a little. Prior to getting home I had encountered my Dad at the bus stop in downtown Nairobi by Odeon Cinema. Somehow that day he was using public transport.

A small matatu next to a big matatu

As we rode side by side in the matatu (public service 14 seater van), my Dad turned to me and quietly asked where I had been. I told him I had been at my high school buddy’s place. He asked, “For two days and two nights, without calling home? Your Mom is very upset about this.” He sounded so disappointed. I was silent and fidgety in my seat. He then said something that has always and will always stick with me, “I am so disappointed in you... Of all my children.... I hold you with such high regard.....You’ve let me down.”

L to R: First born, Last born, Me, Sister.

Ouch! I shrunk in my seat. How horrible I felt. We journeyed the rest of the trip in a very pregnant silence. We parted ways when we alighted off the matatu in Kangemi. I went directly home. He said he had to stop for a pint and for some meat for dinner.

Back home, after that warning from my sibs, I went upstairs to await my Mom. The whole time I thought that I would get the tongue lashing of the year. It wasn’t until I heard how loudly the car door slammed and my Mom’s voice asking loudly, “Eha?!”meaning “Where is she?!”, that I began to fear that there would be more than a wag of the finger. When I heard my Mom bounding up the stairs loudly, I dived into my closet for a second pair of jeans and a sweatshirt.

;-) Fat Suit. Clever, ey?
It didn't work just  FYI.

Oh, it was baaaad! Some of my friends still howl in laughter at the thought of me being belted at sixteen! Um...Yeah, whatever! Am sure am not the only one. It was a beat down I will not forget soon. My mother has never been the disciplinarian in the family. It was always my father. So I knew I must have hurt her really badly. She yelled through the entire beating. The pain of the lashing, I forgot. The embarrassment, however, has stuck with me ever since. And also the lesson: I did not know until then how highly they thought of me. "You've let me down" had a much bigger impact on me than the belt lashes, for sure. I still get a little teary eyed thinking of how I disappointed my Dad.

That, folks, is the difference between two modes of communication. I believe am somewhere in between these two styles. I lean more towards my Dad's style. I don't like drawn out squabbles and repeating myself. 

Am I Co-Dependant?

If you exhibit two or more of these mannerisms, you may have some co-dependent issues that you should explore. Do not panic! Every family has co-dependent behavior.

Never forget that love requires that
you be the greatest person
you are capable of being,
self-generating and strong and gentle
-Your own hero and star-
~Unknown.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, inconsistency and various forms of abuse influenced your ability to form and maintain our boundaries. You may also have difficulty identifying the boundaries of others. Damaged boundaries are a sign of codependency.

The items you check simply correspond to some areas where co-dependent conduct is depriving your life of happiness and joyfulness.

v I can’t stand to be alone.

v I am a perfectionist.

v I am driven by the approval of others.

v I feel desperate when I cannot gain the approval of other people.

v I find myself making decisions based on how they will affect other people and rarely consider myself.

v Many times I feel obsessed by the need for total order in my life.

v I find myself adjusting to my spouse’s needs rather than communicating my feelings.

v I do not experience anger.

v I over-eat often.

You cannot allow your
self esteem and your sense
of value be determined
by how other people treat you.
~ Joel Osteen

 v I am constantly wondering what other people think of me.

 v I cover up my feelings so that others won’t know what I really think.

v I am afraid that if others really knew me that they would run and hide.

No is a complete sentence.
Multi-tasking:
Screwing everything up
simultaneously-- Anon

v I am constantly trying to figure out how to stay ahead in my relationships.

v I can’t say no when I am asked to do a favor or serve on a committee.

v I tell myself that it shouldn’t hurt so much when others let me down.

v I need to control those close to me.

v I need everyone to be happy with me so that I can feel good about myself.

v I need others to be strong for me without requiring anything from me in return.

Co-dependency revolves around four major patterns. Do you make the adjoining statements?

“Most men would rather
deny a hard truth than face it"
 George R.R. Martin.

 Ø Denial patterns e.g.: “I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.” Ok...we agree. However, what’s your intention?

 Ø Low self-esteem patterns e.g.: “I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never ‘good enough.’ I do not ask others to meet my needs.”

Ø Compliance patterns e.g.: “I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger. I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I accept sex when what I want is Love. I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.”

Ø Control patterns e.g.: “I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I attempt to convince others of what they ‘should’ think and how they ‘truly’ feel. I become resentful when others will not let me help them. I have to be ‘needed’ in order to have a relationship with others.”

I'm not a control freak!
I just happen to know
what's best for
everybody else...

The highlighted ones above are the ones I am guilty of. Some of the co-dependent patterns, especially, the “Control Patterns”, made me go, “Hmmmm!” I told myself, if I am to work on the things that are robbing me of joy, then I have to honestly consider all the above.

If you have a positive outcome,
it's because you have a
positive income.

The consequence of maintaining a codependent approach to life is a lot of resentment, frustration and unmet personal needs. Recovering from codependency in essence involves learning to love and take care of yourself.~ The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook